hugs are drugs

I don't like hugs.

I could probably finish this blog right here. But I'll go on to explain myself. People often look at me in disgust as if I've killed a kitten when I say I'm not big on hugging. "You don't like cuddles?" they splutter with thinly veiled disgust. Cuddles. Adults should never use this word. But apparently it's acceptable.

I digress.

I am also pretty bad at hugging. I seize up when a person approaches me arms outstretched unable to see a way out of this social obligation.




It's become quite obvious to those around me as well. Leading a colleague to comment that "accepting hugs should be my new year's resolution." Do one. Although you can't blame her. I work in a quite huggy industry. You've come back off holiday? Hug. You got a new dog? Hug. You're having a baby? Hug. Ok so the last one's acceptable... it just doesn't help that I also fear pregnant women. But that's another issue.

I'm not a monster. I just have to prepare myself for the type of hug that I am about to commit to because hugs are a political minefield...

the bear hug



The worst of all hugs. That crushing hug when you don't know when you're going to escape. Where you can literally taste what the person who is hugging you smells like. It's horrendous. And when it's your cousin Sagheer from Peterborough crushing you the experience gets much worse.

the mismatched heights hug




When you're taller than the person you're about to hug it can lead calamitous results. Once, whilst giving someone a hug who just happened to be my line manager I accidentally chinned her. And I don't mean I punched her. I didn't really know what to do with my chin and through some miraculous situation prodded her just below the shoulder with my chin. Leading her to shout out in pain and do that sharp intake of breath like when you stub your toe on the door. Morts.

the unwanted kiss

Now sometimes you don't know if someone's gonna give you the old peck and hug. And because I try and get the hug over and done with as soon as possible I often put myself in this situation. And this leads to awkward kisses on neck and ear. So when you pull apart from the hug the only thing you can do is pretend that that didn't happen.

the side hug




The side hug is the iamvip/tillate picture staple. It's to reflect that you're having a good time and that you like the person you're getting snapped with. Right? Wrong. For me anyway. The side hugs has been tarnished by an old retail manager who after berating me on the shop floor pulled me in for an extremely uncomfortable side hug as way of apology. It's up there with my top 5 bad hugs.

the man hug

Now the man hug is filled with more minefields than the others because not only do you have to take into consideration all the other aspects of hugging but you have the added 3 rules.

You never make eye contact.

You leave some space between crotches. Vital.

And you ALWAYS pat on the back. No more than 3 times. Otherwise it makes Baby Jesus cry.

I'll stop now before you think I'm totally devoid of human emotion. I'll leave you with another video. This is what would happen if you tried to hug me and we were in a Bollywood film.



theguyinthebowtie