brother of the bride part 3: a beginner's guide

The wedding is merely weeks away and the pressure is mounting. It's akin to that scene out of "Father of the Bride" where that fake French dude suggests swans for the front garden. Fortunately there aren't any live animals. And unfortunately Steve Martin isn't narrating.

There are however hundreds of guests. The cards are still being written which is nerve wracking in itself and there's an atmosphere descended as people now bandy about the word "shaadi house" which essentially means wedding house in Urdu. I think there's a reason why that expression doesn't exist in English because just means people rock up at all hours.

I've not been tasked with many chores for the wedding apart from helping with the wedding cake. Google has provided many insights into the world of the incredibly lucrative Asian market and it's fair to say that the cake we've chosen is wearing a marzipan sari.

"The fruitcake part has rum flavouring"

"Can we have it without?"

"But it's just flavouring"

"No rum flavouring please. We're Islamic"

...is an actual conversation I had to have.

Alongside that I've had several conversations regarding the length of the wedding to clear up any confusion. Here's a beginner's guide

mehndi.

The Mehndi celebrations take place a couple of days before the wedding. They usually involve the bride or groom (separately) on a stage. Still can't get used to that. A stage.

Then hundreds of family members proceed to blob some henna on your hand and oil in your hair, if you the significance of this. Please get in touch. You then get a photo like this:

Yep that's what I looked like in 2008. But no matter what year it is you can bet your bottom rupee you'll hear this song at a Mehndi:

Classic. "Ja jeela apni zindagi Simran"

shaadi.

After the Mehndi comes the day of the shaadi. It's hosted by the bride's family and usually takes place in the day time. This is when shit gets real. You wake up at very early time. Possibly on the floor because you've given up your bedroom for your Uncle Afzal.  You then have to fight for the bathroom and everyone wants to know if you've got a pair of scissors. Why's it always scissors?

Guests descend on the house until the Baraaat arrives. The baraat is the groom's family who arrive in a procession. They come to get the bride. Now tradition dictates that you shouldn't let her go too easily. So you make them pay for their entry. No kidding. The bride's female cousins have cornered that racket. There's also a tradition when you steal the groom's shoes. This resulted in an incredibly popular Bollywood song where Madhuri Dixit managed do just that with the help of a little white dog. Go on press play you know you want to.

Then about 600 people eat. More seekh kebabs please. It's all about the starters

The day ends with the rukhsathi. An emotional part where the bride's family bids farewell to their daughter and sister. It's "totes emosh". I could probably put another Bollywood song here:

I won't though. Let's press on.

walima

The third and final day is the Walima. The groom's family now throw a part in a bid to celebrate the arrival of the bride into their family. It's meant to be joyous but to be honest I'm comparing that day's seekh kebabs to the kebabs of the shaadi the day before. And so is everyone else.

All said and done you're now knackered and so am I and it not even kicked off yet. I'll fill you in after the event happens. Wish me luck.

theguyinthebowtie